Dear Abby: Daughter with grudges makes herself hard to love

Advice columns have long served as a window into the private struggles of ordinary families, and the latest Dear Abby column from the Chicago Sun-Times is no exception. Two letters, one about a daughter whose grudges make her hard to love and another about a dear friend who regularly attends funerals of People she does not know, show how loneliness, hurt, and the need for connection shape human behavior in surprising ways.

Below, we look at the themes behind these letters and the guidance they invite. I have not reproduced the column word for word. Instead, I am summarizing its themes and offering context for readers who have faced similar situations in their own lives.

When a Daughter Holds Onto Grudges for Years

The first letter comes from a parent who describes a daughter with a long memory for slights, real or imagined. Over time, those grievances have built a wall between her and the rest of the family. The writer admits to feeling worn down and unsure how to keep loving someone who seems determined to push others away.

Grudges rarely begin as grand betrayals. More often they start with small hurts that go unspoken, then harden into a story the person tells herself about who has wronged her. Each family gathering or phone call becomes a chance to add another entry to the list.

The pain for the parent is doubly sharp, because love and frustration exist side by side. It is possible to adore someone and still find their behavior exhausting, and acknowledging both feelings is a healthy first step.

Why Resentment Makes Close Relationships So Difficult

Resentment acts like a filter. A person who expects to be disappointed tends to notice evidence of disappointment and overlook kindness. Friendly gestures may be read as insincere, and honest mistakes may be treated as deliberate attacks.

This pattern is exhausting for loved ones, who feel they must walk on eggshells. Eventually, many pull back to protect themselves, which only confirms the grudge-holder's belief that people let her down.

Understanding this cycle does not excuse hurtful behavior, but it can soften our response. Often the person who seems hardest to love is the one who feels least secure in being loved.

Practical Advice for Parents of Difficult Adult Children

Columnists in this tradition usually urge honesty delivered with care. A parent can tell a grown child that the relationship matters while explaining that constant bitterness is damaging it. Speaking calmly, in private, and without a list of counter-accusations gives the conversation its best chance.

Professional help is another frequent recommendation. A licensed therapist can help someone trace the roots of long-held anger and learn new ways of responding to hurt. The parent may also benefit from counseling, simply to have support while setting limits.

Boundaries matter here. A parent can remain available and loving without tolerating insults or being drawn into old arguments again and again.

A Dear Friend Who Attends Strangers' Funerals

The second letter is a very different story. The writer describes a dear friend who regularly attends funerals of people she does not know. She sits in the pews, listens to the eulogies, and sometimes joins the gathering afterward, though she has no connection to the deceased or their families.

The writer is unsure what to make of this. Is it harmless, or a sign of something deeper? The friend is otherwise warm and reliable, which makes the habit more puzzling and more worrying.

Habits like this are more common than many people realize. Some individuals find comfort in the rituals of mourning, and others are drawn to the sense of community that forms around a shared loss.

Understanding the Appeal of Funeral Attendance

For a person who is lonely, a funeral can offer something rare: a room full of people who are openly emotional, kind, and willing to share stories. The service gives structure to feelings that are hard to express elsewhere.

Others may be processing their own grief. If a friend has lost someone and never fully mourned, attending other services may be an indirect way to revisit those emotions in a setting that feels safe.

There can also be simple curiosity about lives well lived. Hearing a eulogy can be inspiring, prompting reflection on one's own priorities and relationships.

When Unusual Habits Deserve a Gentle Conversation

Still, there are good reasons to approach the subject with sensitivity. Grieving families may not Welcome unknown attendees, and a friend could unintentionally cause discomfort. A thoughtful conversation can help her consider how her presence might be received.

The best approach is curiosity rather than judgment. Asking what she gets from these services may reveal needs that can be met in other ways, such as volunteering, joining a support group, or spending more time with friends.

If the habit seems tied to deep sadness or isolation, encouraging her to speak with a counselor or clergy member is a caring step.

Lessons About Connection From Both Letters

At first glance, the two letters have little in common. One involves a person who pushes others away, the other a person who seeks closeness in unexpected places. Yet both reflect a fundamental human need to feel seen, valued, and connected.

The daughter's grudges and the friend's funeral visits are different responses to the same longing. One protects against more hurt, while the other reaches for belonging wherever it can be found.

Recognizing this can help families and friends respond with empathy. Patience, honest communication, and a willingness to listen go a long way toward easing the loneliness behind puzzling behavior.

Final Thoughts on Compassion and Healthy Boundaries

The enduring appeal of advice columns lies in their reminder that no one is alone in facing awkward family dynamics or unusual friendships. Readers see their own questions reflected and often find reassurance in the answers.

Compassion does not mean accepting every behavior without comment. It means telling the truth kindly, setting limits when needed, and leaving the door open for change.

Whether you are dealing with a relative who keeps score of old wrongs or a friend whose habits leave you scratching your head, the same principle applies: lead with love, speak honestly, and seek help when the problem is bigger than any one conversation can solve.

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